Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Mishaps and more!

I'm beginning to suspect Dragon of playing a very long con. Maybe it secretly wants us to systematically underestimate its intelligence, to its own shady ends. In any case, its many bewildering mishearings continue to go to air.

Pretty cunning, don't you think?


American military pundits have been a staple of my news diet in the past week. We were told by a slightly folksy analyst that northern Iraq was "more complicated than folks realise." Or as Dragon put it, "Morkel placated Ben Foakes realise". Not to worry, thought I, I shall put in a double dash and quickly redo it. Out came "more combat-ready Ben Foakes". Apparently English right-handed batsman and wicket-keeper Ben Foakes is showing some alarming signs indeed.

More combat-ready Ben Foakes


A discussion of "coordination" of international efforts came out as "cod nation". I can't really see what a republic of fish could offer, but I guess Obama really is open to suggestions right now. The situation, after all, certainly is "Coppola catered" (something might have been Lost In Translation there). Dragon reported regarding IS prisoners that "guards eat them often". Incorrect, but tragically plausible. "Massacres" came out as "Mass occurs", which sort of sounds like the Catholic version of "shit happens", or a blasé attitude to the Higgs boson. Finally, a colleague found that cities being defended by "the Peshmerga" were unexpectedly defended by "Depeche Mode", which - I don't know - maybe English '80s alt-pop will be the key to defeating extremism?

Some tactical keytar, presumably with American air support.


Staying on all things poignant, I was far from the only one among my colleagues to refer to the town of "Ferguson, misery". Police efforts to subdue pro-democracy rioters in Pakistan also made the news - apparently "demonstrators want more Joyce". Unexpected, but Ulysses would certainly keep them all busy. In covering the story, a colleague had the splendid unintentional synecdoche that "thousands of nipple took to Twitter." One can only assume Dragon follows Amanda Palmer. Speaking of police, we heard this week from the "chief comfortable" in charge of finding the missing young English man in Spain. Sounds like a decidedly cushy job.



The weather always offers plenty of giggles, this time "our overall high" came out as "hour of rawhide", which sounds like a rather nightmarish YouTube fan-loop.



Sad to hear of the death of Sir Richard Attenborough, but rather surprised to hear of his memorable role in "drastic park".

What new horror have we wrought?


There's been a bit of talk about Western Australian mining recently, unfortunately two analysts in a row had their intros misconstrued. Firstly, our correspondent joined us "live from birth", and for more in-depth analysis, we cut to the "cheap economist" of a mining investment firm. I suppose economising on economists makes sense as the mining boom shifts. NHS food has been in the spotlight in the UK. We have heard how nurses test the food, but Dragon made it altogether more Millennial by declaring "nurses text the food".

Seriously though, food is awesome and
photographing the best part of your day isn't weird.


Delights too in the sport. First off in cricket, Sri Lanka has been problematical before - this time it popped out as "true languor". And I was captioning tennis, and they suddenly rattled off the half-dozen or so career Grand Slam winners. All went swimmingly until Rod Laver became "Rudd Labor". Not sure he can boast a career Grand Slam per se.



Finally a couple of offline ones. "Little parcels of pasta perfection" sound very appetising. "Little parcels of pastor affection"...do not. On a related note, I just googled "priest pasta" for inspiration and found that there's a type of pasta called "strozzapreti" which translates as "priest strangler". How weird is that? Guess that's one way to achieve pastor affection. And a dog called "Zorro" came out as "the sorrow", which sounds like what pet naming might look like for a very committed emo who is maintaining the rage. "Here, The Sorrow. Come on, boy."



But sometimes when Dragon doesn't know something, it just makes you despair of state of the Dragon education system. Usually Dragon knows the names of movie stars, but I was captioning the film review and my Dragon didn't know Stacy Keach. I now feel this overwhelming desire to invite Dragon over for a video night and teach it a thing or two about character acting.

Here beginneth the lesson.


Before I go, a shout out to a truly amazing Tumblr from a fellow captioner, who happens to do a lot of Judge Judy. http://therulingsarefinal.tumblr.com/ Read and giggle, dear reader. And a bit of industry news - ACMA in Australia have just made an adverse finding against Channel Nine over the caption quality during their cricket coverage. http://www.mediaaccess.org.au/latest_news/news/acma-finds-nine-cricket-coverage-breached-caption-quality-rules Interesting business.

Thursday, 28 August 2014

You just put your lips together and blow – captioning sudden tragedy

So I needed to get this post out before it trickles away into the æther. It’s a slightly unusual one, in that I have that familiar impulse to write something down, but without that familiar clarity of knowing quite what I want to say. So I thank you in advance for your indulgence.



Last week brought the news home. It was one of those cases where the tide of news grows unexpectedly personal, with a startling suddenness. I refer, of course, to what was undeniably one of those smallest of tragedies. The death of a human, in its merest, abjectest, tiny grandeur. I’m Twitter junkie enough to have read many times the knowing smugnod to the smallness of this event, by many who fancy themselves developed because they claim to be able to really feel the larger tragedies. The murder of Gazans, the climate-riddled victims of the Philippines, the abused and leaky-boated masses and their many irreducible selves. True problems of true magnitude.



But we knew Robin Williams. And in life, not first in death. I saw him myself, just on his last tour. Lucky to catch the beginning, the Sydney Entertainment Centre was having box office problems but he was delayed, by happy accident or beneficent design. He was all of ours, and victim to something so intimately familiar to us all – our dark places, our compulsions and addictions, and (we would later learn) perhaps another slowly marching fate. But I don’t come to bury or praise, both have been done in abundance. This post will quickly become insufferable if it wants for humility and perspective.

See what I did there?


I don’t know if we’ll all Remember Where We Were when we heard of the death of Robin Williams. But it was only last week, so for now we’re on the same page. Probably a Twitter feed, for most of you. It’s certainly my usual channel. There’s probably a think piece (on a different blog) to be had about the odd cultural moment in which we find ourselves, where we can first have momentous events announced to us through the retweets of a condolence post by some former Backstreet Boy. I don’t know if the story of where I was or what I was doing is important or interesting. But it’s about what I do, so here we are.



I remember something you may not about the death of Robin Williams. News of his death broke, even in this 24-hour-news-cycle world of ours, right at the top of the hour. Like a preordained top story, with no pause for context or examination, even by our society’s storytellers. 



I was due to caption a half-hour live stint of a 24-hour news channel. I’ve talked before about what goes into that, and it was looking pretty routine. Mid-morning Sydney time, still caffeine-fresh and whet-tongued. Top of the hour, so I’d expect headlines, top stories in depth, a couple of feature interviews, the top sport stories, and the weather. My co-pilot would usually have more improvised voice-work, as the second half-hour went into a panel discussion of the newspaper headlines, but my allocation should be pretty scripted. I can edit news rundowns very fast, so I didn’t download mine until about 10 minutes to the hour (in case of late changes). I spent my parsimonious prep time before that checking the previous hour’s news packages were tidied. Gaza, Ukraine, local politics, Iraq, Ebola. Tidy rundown, stand by for new analysis, make sure “Hamas”, “Donetsk,” “Ebola,” “Nouri al-Maliki” and “Irbil” are trained and ready to copy in as a backup (they can be tricky). I was running a little slow, so I would tidy the sport in the first ad break and feel either like a badass motherfucking renegade or a goddamn idiot who should have started prepping sooner. Time would tell, I was live, it was a Tuesday.



In truth, it was still a normal allocation when they opened with “In breaking news…” There isn’t generally that much urgency there. The ears prick up, a few sentences are voiced live, and typically there won’t be enough detail yet to report at any length. One expects to hear 20 brief words or so, beginning with “Vladimir Putin has expressed...” or “Israel has fired…” The story proper will have to wait until their reporter on the ground hotfoots it over there, and for now the normal broadcast can resume.



So the story and the ordinary morning routine broke, for me, only as I saw the rudimentary, cobbled-together graphic. It only really indicated that Robin Williams had made the news somehow, but I was thinking quickly. Before they’d started speaking, before I’d started respeaking, I’d surmised that 1) Robin Williams was in the news. 2) It wouldn’t be breaking news unless he was dead or arrested. 3) It wouldn’t be the top story unless he was dead. 4) Robin Williams is dead. 5) Holy shit. 6) Dragon will know “Robin Williams”, but will it know “Good Morning, Vietnam” and “Mrs Doubtfire”? Does “Aladdin” have any homophones? And what did he win the Oscar for? Better train it in when I think of it. 7) Will they toss the rundown completely?



So the graphic broke the story for me, mercifully, as while all this thinking was going on, I was starting to do my job and respeak. “In breaking news…” But as you see, I had a few resources by now. I knew what it was going to be about, I knew the first few words which might present problems, and I had taken a precious second and a half to process it for myself. We have three coveted temporary macro slots to type in tricky vocab which comes up unexpectedly and may recur. While I was speaking, I ditched “Donetsk” and “Hamas”, and in went “Good Morning, Vietnam”, “Dead Poets Society” and “Mrs Doubtfire.” Those movies were picked because they were front-of-mind, it worked well enough at first as they seemed to represent a first impression of his career which corresponded to that of the anchor. I guessed even before hearing it that my Dragon may not know the name of the county where he lived, so as they quoted “the sheriff of Marin County” I pre-emptively made him “the local sheriff”. Geographical precision could happen next hour. Robin’s middle name also showed up in the opening remarks. I left it off instinctively as my multitasking brain (not a brag – my working definition of “multitasking” is “doing a number of things poorly” and when someone says “I’m good at multitasking” I hear “I will both die and misspell while texting and driving”) envisioned a few possible spellings of “McLaurin” and a possibility that, even at this early stage, there would be a super with the name to really rub in my mistake, and as long as we remained off-script, stopping to correct could mean missing something. Perhaps 10 minutes later, one of my more excellent colleagues would email around a word list with all of this, and I would even make a temporary house style which fixed any instance of “Robbie Williams”. But I’m getting ahead of myself.



For a more nonagenarian celebrity, here’s where they might have cut to a slightly ambiguously worded career-retrospective obituary reel, which (as we all saw in Frontline) they keep periodically updated just in case. They could roll it as is for now, and over the next 20 minutes or so a reporter would be writing and recording the necessary coda to the package. Lauren Bacall would exemplify this perfectly the next day, and Richard Attenborough this week. Both had obit packages which recurred and evolved throughout the night, but the first version was available as soon as the story broke.

I have never been more intimately and fundamentally aware of how to whistle.


Rob Lowe even made fun of being pre-emptively aware of this genre while shooting certain scenes.


There’s actually a more elaborately formalised protocol for the death of a monarch – some of our clients keep it saved with their news rundowns for when it’s suddenly needed. Can’t divulge, but interesting reading. For Williams though, they weren’t quite so prepared. So they had to tell rather than show, talking extemporaneously to various correspondents about his work and impact, while playing a neutral visual loop of his work, one which hadn’t really been tailored to the purpose so wasn’t big on sentimental impact. Not terrible to voice caption because it’s a little slower than ordinary news prose. Speakers stop and think and breathe, nothing is intercut with grabs from movies, and none of the graphics guys have loaded up the tweets yet so you just caption everything. The litany of great roles people would rattle off didn’t get any easier though. I started to triage, never letting “Mork and Mindy” or “Good Will Hunting” out of my sight. The former because it was an early breakout success and a deliberately whimsical (therefore improbable, therefore Dragon-unfriendly) series of syllables, and the latter because it answered my earlier question about what role won him the Oscar.



24-hour news networks take on a slightly different relationship to their audience when a big story breaks. Normally people switch on to find out “the news” more generally, but in these cases viewers will hear the headline on Twitter or somewhere and then switch on expecting to immediately learn more about that specific story as it unfolds. So where the everyday imperative is to trundle on and cover the news broadly and methodically, the impulse here became to stick with it – to be immediately covering the story whenever anyone should happen to switch on. So that news I prepared (and sport I didn’t) never did appear. Even the scheduled ad breaks were unforthcoming. 

Alas, thrusts remained unsquatted.


By the second 15 minutes then, they’d started to cut in a few rough, un-montaged grabs from Robin Williams’ career. As they gradually accumulated, and I respoke them, something a bit surprising happened – I started to find it very moving. 



Robin Williams is Robin Williams’ voice. His most iconic roles have been vococentric. An animated genie, a wartime radio announcer, a fatherly therapist, a poetry teacher, an out-of-work-voice-actor-turned-nanny. So much of what he is, and was, is encapsulated in his voice. I can’t easily trace the provenance of it, but from the very first tributes he was often “a man of a thousand voices”. That multiplicity was certainly contained within President Obama’s tribute. Mladen Dolar writes in A Voice and Nothing More about the implicit power that can accompany any disruption of the unity of body and voice. Of one body and one voice. A voice from an unseen source, a resolutely silent stranger, a ventriloquist’s dummy, all carry an uncanny agency (Dolar calls it “acousmatic”). So a perfect mimic, a verbal gymnast of many voices, disrupts expected limits. Robin Williams’ voice, that day, was larger than life in an uncomfortably literal sense. And my job, for that allocation and much of the next seven hours, was to ventriloquise it. It was uncanny too for the proliferation of remembered dialogue. Movies I’d watched incessantly as a child, family car trips with the Good Morning, Vietnam soundtrack (I think I was the only one among my colleagues to nail “Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ” verbatim on the first try), and even things remembered from the zeitgeist as winks and parodies – I literally had to repeat “It’s not your fault full stop” several dozen times that day.



So it became my own tribute. Respeaking a great artist of the voice gives you an appreciation of their craft – what we do is a kind of derivative peripheral incarnation of the voice professions. A man in a booth with a microphone. It was technically demanding, as he spoke quickly (his auctioneering award speech was its own special challenge) but there was a wit and precision, a groove you could follow and a familiar rhythm in terms of punchline placement if you needed to paraphrase. As with captioning Mass, the repetition gave it a ritual quality. I wonder if anyone else mourned Robin Williams in quite the way I and my co-workers did – with a sacramental recitation? Maybe this tribute from the actor tasked with playing the Genie that night on Broadway is in the ballpark.



And then it was over. I went off the air, saved my caption logs and started prepping for the tennis.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Haps You Won't Want To Miss

So, many apologies for the lengthy blog silence, gentle blogres. I've been caught in a riptide of house moving and had no time. On the plus side, I get to look out the window at actual civilisation as I write this!

Planet earth is blue, and I could really go a chicken laksa.


So as it's been almost a month since my last confession, I thought I'd unload the torrential backlog of errata, before settling down to write something more substantial. To refresh everyone's memory, I live caption TV, through a combination of typing and talking into a microphone, and blog about it. "Mishaps" posts like these document the absurd mishearings made by an otherwise brilliant piece of voice-recognition software called Dragon which will one day become self-aware and enslave us all. The "offline" ones were corrected before air time, the live ones went to air as glorious accidental defacements of the whitewashed surfaces of the professional television network.



So without further achoo, here are the latest Mishaps from your humble RC.

I've posted before about the wonderful silliness of offline captioning televised Catholic Mass. I recently captioned some episodes for the Advent season, which tragically may signify an end, for now, to this rich vein of delightfully Pythonesque religious mishearings. Anyhow, the virtue of "devotedness" became altogether more pragmatic (if perhaps a little fetishy) by becoming "devoted nurse."

That was not the most safe-for-work of google image searches.


I know the Christmas season brings its familial conflicts, but the idea of getting on with "Christmas reparations" still seems a bit drastic. The analogy of the shepherd obviously tends to crop up from time to time, but I admired Dragon's moxie when, in the spirit of Ronald D Moore, the religious analogy was projected into space. So we had the shepherd "gently lead the mother ship". "Messianic cheeses" also appeared (In Gouda We Trust?).



Things took a sharply progressive turn during the creed when, rather than affirming the canonic status of the saints, Dragon declared a belief in "the communion of sex". In the spirit of Christmas, the infant Christ was "by Sears foretold" (their catalogues are certainly illuminating, but their flair for prophecy is so often overlooked). Back in the Old Testament, I was surprised to learn that the father of nations will be "a broom".



The bisyllabic "blessed" continues to delight - "the acid is he who comes in the name of the Lord" sounds like the plot of a Ben Folds song. In the same spirit, while "O Most High" is an apostrophe to the heavens, "though most high" is a striking disclaimer.

What happens in Denver stays in Denver.

We had some religious silliness actually go to air as well - the Bishop of Rochester was waxing conservative, but Dragon attributed his opinions to the "airship of Rochester". And of course, crossing the spiritual gulf, we observed the holy month of "run and gun".

Sweet.


Captioning the weather always leads to some corkers - the pace at which meteorologists extemporise leaves no time for correction when captioning live. So in no particular order: Tomorrow's weather in the Midlands will be "nowhere near as human". Which can, one assumes, only be a relief for those in the Midlands. One day recently the weather rose dramatically, but an overcaffeinated Dragon decided on "roaster manically".



Ex-Hurricane Bertha spent a lot of time approaching the British Isles, but when it got there, the low pressure system settled over the "reddish piles". The word "temperature" is a fraught one too. The way I pronounce it, there's just a fraction of a second of silence after the first syllable, which gets Dragon's knickers in a twist. So we had "temperatures rose" come out as "the frigid rose", which sounds like the name of one of those ice bars where a girl named Inga serves shots in glasses made of ice.



Finally, I use a house style for weather which autocorrects a whole lot of words often used in the forecast. It's important to take it off  when the weather is done though, as I discovered when just after the weather "my dad is really funny" was autocorrected into "my damp is really sunny".

Offline nature documentaries continue to offer fantastic blunders. We had a "reading program" for endangered pandas, which I can only guess is so that they can decipher the Kama Sutra and get cracking. We had meerkats, who I discovered stand upright to "watch out for creditors". I guess "hakuna matata" is no way to manage one's finances. The echidna, by contrast, "uses its spikes to deter editors". I guess he's on a deadline. Still on weirdly bureaucratic wildlife, I was surprised to learn that kangaroos use their pouches to carry "juries".

We find the defendant adorable.


More great mishearings in offline cooking shows as well. Some lovely dishes are sweetened with agave, but for far rarer fare, discerning chefs use "a Garbo". Well, she was great in Anna Christie, and not too syrupy.



"Two eggs, lightly Britain" seems a little much for a Spanish omelette. A home-made mayonnaise came with the serving suggestion "add it to a salad or some savages". Perhaps Dragon intends to trade fine condiments for a sturdy canoe. "Nanna and chocolate" seem like fairly troubling ingredients for a smoothie (need a hell of a blender). And I think it's well past time to turn down the heat on the roux once the "brothers melted".



Finally, an incidental instruction took a surprising turn when "just to go into the mix" came out as "just a goat into the mix". While one can presumably cook goats whole, I felt the lack of preamble was disconcerting. Cooking got a bit ideological too - "you've left this little bit for me" became "a leftist little bit for me".

Submitted without comment, comprehension.


Finally a selection of random bits and pieces from live news. The less said about Netanyahu the better, but when he was asked about "proportionality", Dragon made it a question of "Porsche and Audi". Guess genocide goes better with nice cars. I was weirded out to discover my Dragon didn't know the words "Loch Ness Monster" at all, it became "lot less monster", which does, I grant, reflect Nessie's critically endangered status.

Ruh-oh.


The Ebola outbreak is desperately difficult to manage, but I was alarmed at the proposal to pursue "excremental drugs". Still, anything to contain it I guess. Christopher Reeve made the news in relation to his friendship with Robin Williams, but my Dragon thought I meant Pakistani politician "Mr Sharif", who has to date appeared in far fewer Superman films. Rather subtly, Russia's threat to withdraw from the International Space Station may herald the end of the era of "space without Borders". I guess an orbiting book store with convenient coffee shop would be kind of neat, a weird thing to threaten the West with though. Dragon struggled a bit with antonyms lately as well, suggesting that "love will triumph over Kate".

Surely nothing can triumph over Kate.




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Friday, 18 July 2014

Friday Mishaps

Ain't no-one wants nothing serious on a Friday afternoon, particularly one which already boasts about enough surplus serious to discombobulate Heath Ledger. Accordingly, I come bearing silly. It's time for your soothing dose of misheard Mishaps!

Let's start in church. Captioning the liturgy remains hilarious. This week saw "blessed be the hands" rendered as "placid beaver hands". I for one welcome our calming and oddly dextrous Canadian overlords. The bisyllabic "blessed" caused further trouble as the earthly father of the Messiah became "blistered Joseph". Dude should really put some myrrh on that. Epistle names fared no better - we had "the lessor of Paul to the Romans". Read that carefully - not "lesser", but the suggestion that Paul may be the Romans' rent boy. It's a living. Things took an astrological turn when Dragon rendered Alleluia as "as a Leo". Strangely I don't remember "what's your sign?" being part of the responsorial psalm. Creeds grew equally problematical - Dragon knows how to shorten personal titles, so "profess your resurrection" mutated into "Prof Resurrection", who I'm copyrighting right now as an awesome cape-wearing Marvel villain. "God of hosts" is admittedly a slightly archaic phrasing, but "lot of posts" just doesn't seem like something worth chanting about. A bit of mischief from Dragon - during one of the more fire-and-brimstone Old Testament readings, "O wicked ones" was heard as "but we did once". We'll always have Paris, Dragon. Finally, the best yet of the multitude of mishearings for Holy Spirit - "wholly spurious". Oh Dragon, you New Atheist you.

And every breath we drew was as a Leo.

In the live news this week, lots of colourful unscripted dialogues with lots of Middle East correspondents. I discovered that Dragon panics when you stutter during the word "Palestinian," and makes an educated guess you mean "phallus". Thankfully I intercepted that little gem before it hit the civilian population. A little later Dragon made the Israeli position far less morally suspect, by suggesting Netanyahu has been killing "non-competence". Well, that's a relief.

Dragon hides among non-competence.

Victorian weather forecasts took an oddly culinary turn. Melbourne was in for "quite a walnut" in lieu of a warm night, and the city of Ballarat was misheard as à la rat.


Quickly wrapping up with a mixed bag of Mishaps: a man off the coast of Florida "bitten by a Shah", a seventh German goal "adding in Seoul to injury" (I don't think Korea's that bad myself), pensioners and minimum wage earners "struggling just to get high," and World Cup celebrations in the Argentine city of "bonus arrows."

La Flecha



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Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Captioning and Religious Experience: What's so special about the cheesemakers?

So I mentioned at the end of my last mishaps post that I've been captioning Catholic Mass during my offline hours, and it continues to be the source of fierce hilarity as my Dragon struggles with the finer points of the sacred.

The point of that lance, for example.


With two or three more episodes gathered under my hairshirt over the past week, I was going to simply dedicate a Mishaps post to the tares, falling as they do within the lovely nexus between the sublime and the silly. But then I realised that captioning church is more interesting than that, and that I actually had Something To Say. So with the wisdom of Solomon I shall try to do both (that ended well for him, right? I couldn't read the end of his song because the pages were stuck together).



So sometimes archaic language gives Dragon grief. I appreciate that "coheirs to eternal life" is an unconventional turn of phrase, but I did like Dragon's ignorant valour in conjuring up "coerced to eternal life". Sounds almost as though he may have some unhappy memories of a strict Catholic education.

The existence or otherwise of Google Image results for "strict Catholic education" is an operational matter.


But in general, voice captioning church is great. The congregants' responses are hard-captioned in onscreen graphics before we even get there, giving those elements a degree of difficulty on a par with Dora the Explorer.

Look away, lest those cold, dead eyes explore your very soul.


Incidentally, I had to laugh, when the faithful were called upon to "incline your ear", and my Dragon decreed they must "incline your beer".

Go home, Dragon, you're drunk.


The readings are all public domain (good luck finding the exact translation to copypaste, but you can give yourself a hell of a cheat sheet) and are even prefaced by which book they're from (I have a footnote fetish you guys). The pace is moderate, in keeping with both the sombre content and the demographics (the target audience, while probably broad enough, must at least include older, less mobile churchgoers who aren't able to make it every Sunday). A Gospel reading and sermon constitute one of the very few close readings of a text available on television, which can be quite refreshing for the wistful scholar-types among us. The music is deliberately, unequivocally soothing. And long stretches of Eucharistic stage business, handshaking and silent prayer require no captions at all. Plenty of opportunities for mishaps though - "the peace of the Lord" emerged as "a piece of the Lord," and there were some alarming suggestions that Jesus "lives and brains with God".

Dragon perhaps climbing aboard the "zombie Jesus" meme.


In general Dragon really seems to struggle with the notion of the Trinity. I can very well understand, the fluid unitarian/trinitarian nature of God has perplexed scalier scholars than he. But really, "the Father, the Son, and the whole experience"? Or "the Father, the Son, and the police bureau". The latter may of course be a jab at church and state. And sometimes the transfiguration of the sacrament can present ontological problems, hence the body of Christ was announced with "we come to break out Brad".

George, Elliott and Don can come too.


But basically, stimulating and easy - thus far a tick in every box for a captioner. But I also found something altogether more surprising. The entire service engages the voice in some really intriguing ways. See, liturgies are explicitly tailor-made to be not only spoken aloud, but incanted. Everyone on the screen speaks in a clear, mellifluous, reverent monotone. Which, coincidentally, is just the sort of thing my Dragon eats up like tenth century Danes. There is no act of "translation into monotone" required of me, as there might be, for example, captioning Oprah.



Further, large swathes of the liturgy are designed to be spoken in unison. This too happens to be right in the voice captioner's wheelhouse (if indeed we housed wheels). It's hard to describe but the pauses are subtly more generous, the metre a shade more consensus-based. A crowd chanting in unison, even if speaking quite quickly, are just easier to join and respeak than a lone speaker. The repetition and anticipation, from the parts of the service I've memorised, only enhance this effect. And it's only mildly dampened by hearing how the apostles "prey with a stick" (in lieu of praying with the sick) or when "blessed Joseph" becomes "lesser Joseph".



It must have been the mistaken belief that we were captioning some kind of cricket investigation which led Dragon to declare God's intention to "separate the wicket from the just". And I grant that "He comes to call sinners" is far less tangible than "He comes to call centres" - the latter would work as a way of imagining a literal hell for Christ to encounter.

Abandon hope.


With all that in mind, I got to thinking of the ritualistic, transcendental element of voice captioning. Perhaps there is something spiritual in arranging your mind to murmur, without really listening to your own voice, an empty echo of whatever you hear, automatically regulating the pace, uttering the punctuation, knowing with the instinctual certainty of the devout that after "the Lord be with you" will always come "full stop yellowmac and with your spirit full stop whitemac". To be made the passive channel of a disembodied voice, and to set it in digital stone.

The flesh made word.



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